MIND YOUR OWN F'ING FUNERALS Here's an inconvenient fact that seems to have eluded all the tongue-clucking manners nannies complaining about Preznit Dubya having to endure an earful of truth during Coretta Scott King's funeral last week: conservatives of the 1950's and 60's HATED Martin Luther King Jr and everything for which he stood. In fact, the Right's hatred for King was so intense, they used each and every mechanism to which they had institutional (if not always legitimate) access to try and bring him down, to stop his work. For peacefully protesting and calling for an equal measure of human justice, conservatives of the day harassed, jailed, and attacked him with clubs, water cannons, dogs, bullets and some of the vilest propaganda ever penned. As Jimmy Carter rightly pointed out during his eulogy, reactionary elements within the United States government subjected King to surreptitious surveillance, tried to destroy his marriage, and even attempted to blackmail him into committing suicide. In the end, they very well may have been involved in the assassination of the man they called "the most dangerous and effective Negro leader in the country". Today, the thin-skinned torch-bearers of Bull Connor and J. Edgar Hoover's ideology are venting on FOX News and vomiting forth endless column inches of cut-and-paste mock fury that the funeral for one of the most political women in American history could get so… political. Basically, it's the Wellstone backlash all over again, and it's just as bogus: "How DARE they?! Have they no shame?! This is an OUTRAGE!!!" One particularly loathsome theme that keeps popping up like a stiff turd in the flood of raw sewage spewing from the Right on this topic is the novel idea that "liberals don't know how to act at funerals". If there's anything more perverted than the sight and sounds of Tucker Carlson, Rush Limbaugh and Kate O'Bierne presuming to tell black people how to grieve, yer old pal Jerky doesn't want to know about it. There is something distinctly paradoxical about the conservative reaction to the eulogies for Coretta Scott King. After all, many of those complaining make their living trying to convince Americans that liberals and "activists judges" have been dead wrong about everything since (and including) FDR's New Deal. The civil rights advances of the 60's, which MLK did so much to enable, fall squarely within their hypothetical Zone of Liberal Error. Why should conservatives be upset that a handful of people had negative things to say about conservatism during the funeral for one of the heroes in the struggle against the conservative movement? In yer old pal Jerky's opinion, there are two reasons for their anger. First and foremost, being cast in opposition to MLK has the potential to hurt them, politically. These days, it isn't political correctness that prevents conservatives from speaking their true minds about issues of race and class; it's political expediency. Whether conservatives like it or not, MLK's legacy of success in activism against their twisted ideology is now an established part of the American mainstream. At a bare minimum, any political movement expecting mass support must pay lip service to MLK as an icon, even if it didn't -- and, in some cases, still doesn't -- support his life's work. Secondly, and more esoterically, is the psychological element. The lower orders of American conservatives -- those who, being especially susceptible to propaganda due to their cult-like mentality, call themselves conservatives without fully understanding what this designation entails -- tend to react poorly to any experience of exclusion. For them, seeing the paragon of their worldview openly mocked at a culturally important event stirs up visceral feelings of rage and foiled entitlement. "Martin Luther King was part of my America, too! His legacy belongs to me, too!" It's understandable that, for some, it's too painful to face up to the sad truth that he wasn't, and it doesn't. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY February 9 On this day in 1871, the Federal Fish Protection Office is authorized by Congress. Within weeks, skin-diving goons are shaking down trout, mackerel and salmon for a cut of their action. "Nice spawning ground ya got here. It'd sure be a shame if somebody started dumping raw coal sludge upstream..." On this day in 1895, a fella by the name of William G. Morgan sets out to create a sport that combines the bisected playing field of tennis with the larger ball-size of soccer. Today, some call it volleyball. On this day in 1920, international diplomacy recognizes Norwegian sovereignty over arctic archipelago Svalbard, and designates it "demilitarized" as that term is defined by the Svalbard Treaty. Wow, man. Just... wow. On this day in 1926, the government of Atlanta, Georgia forbids the teaching of evolutionary theory in its schools. We've come a long way, baby! On this day in 1950, Senator Joe McCarthy alleges the State Department is riddled with Reds. Three years later on this day, Allen Dulles ascends to the directorship of the CIA. Six years after that, The Coasters's Charlie Brown peaks at #2 on the Billboard charts. And that, in a nutshell, was America in the 1950's. On this day in 1987, President Ronald Reagan's former national security adviser Robert McFarlane attempts suicide. Unlike with Vince Foster, speculative theories about the reasons why remain a completely underground phenomenon. *** **** *** ONE YEAR AGO IN THE DIRT... In these dark days of global mass insanity, regressing conscioussness and widespread devolution, those of us who have yet to succumb to the soothing balm of apathy must take our little gasps of joy where we can find them. The swift and total destruction of the farcical propaganda homonculus known as Jeff Gannon is one such gasp. As right-wing press-titute Peggy Nooner recently smirked, it's time to pause and "savor". Savor the diligent grassroots work done on this story by the non-fascist half of the blogging community, a story which the mainstream media wouldn't touch, despite it being literally right under their noses. Savor the sound of rusty flakes popping from grinding gears as the mainstream media slowly begins to catch up. Savor Gannon/Guckert's pathetic attempts at donning the victim mantle, as best exemplified by his whiny farewell note, which reads in part: "Because of the attention being paid to me I find it is no longer possible to effectively be a reporter for Talon News. In consideration of the welfare of me and my family I have decided to return to private life." Savor Talon's "reluctant" jettisoning of their former prize pig propagandist. "We sadly accept his resignation" my fat white ass. Savor the gay conservative escort angle -- even though his blazing hypocrisy and/or internal conflicts have nothing to do with the larger issues at hand -- if only because it has the potential to dredge up a number of long-ignored Republican sex-ring/pedophile scandals from the recent past. Savor the fact that, even after being exposed and "quitting" his job, Gannon/Guckert continues to be caught in lie after lie after lie. Savor the fact that there are so many more Talon News employees left to investigate. A special shout-out to Yahoo! for archiving that staff page, which Talon ripped down in a blind idiot panic, yesterday. Savor the fact that this is only the beginning of the turning of the tide. Savor the savoring, which whets the appetite for more victories, which builds towards greater victories, which triggers a society-wide thirst for truth, which could shine a light on the road towards impeachment... and beyond.

THEY SAID IT! "I have people trying to close estates. I have lawyers calling me. I have people calling me, saying, do you have my momma?" - As many suspected, the death toll from Hurricane Katrina was far higher than the official tally of 1,300. Even the mainstream media are catching on. *** **** *** "I support the free press, let's just get them out of the room." - Preznit Dubya forgets that going "off the record" means turning off the mic. Or does he? Reading the transcript, it sounds like a stage-managed charade to yer old pal Jerky.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Hank! Q: What did the blonde say after having multiple orgasms? A: "Way to go, team!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Nostra Costa for sending in today's second joke. A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City. He told the saleslady, "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B." With a quizzical look, the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?" He repeated, "A Baptist bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist bra and that you would know what she wanted." "Ah, now I remember." said the saleslady, "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type." Confused and a little flustered, the man asked, "So what are the differences?" The lady responded, "Well, it's really quite simple. The catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright." He mused at that for a moment and then asked, "So, what is the Baptist type for?" "They," she replied, "make mountains out of molehills". WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Finnegan... There was this guy in a mental hospital. All day long he had his ear to the wall, listening. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. The doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. He turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything." The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months."

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: FUCK THE TALKERS, THAT TIME HAS PASSED care of: Miles Jerky, I was interested to read your comments on feeling outrage fatigue, self-doubt and disillusionment (Dirt 02/02/06). I've written a couple of things for your publication from time to time, ranging from outrage at the happenings in the world around me, to feelgood hippie ideals which, frankly, have no real place in the world we have made today. I think I'm now going through a phase of outrage fatigue, coupled with a feeling of hopelessness, and it makes me mad. I've read a lot of the letters you've received lately in the Soapbox and, instead of thinking, "right on, tell it like it is", I've just though, "stop wining you losers, what the fuck are you going to do about it? You're all fucking talk and no action." I think all this was bought home recently, when I was invited to a dinner party, as the token liberal freak. Actually, I quite enjoy this label, it means that I can be rude and the right wing conservatives shake their heads and think 'poor bastard, he has no grip on the real world'. Amongst the topics were the Iraq war, the state of US politics, New Orleans, Iran, China, poverty and World Peace (snicker, snicker). I was berating Western governments for creating the sort of society that rewards the strong and financially able, while oppressing, ignoring and discouraging the poor and less able. This guy, a vague friend, had just bought himself a top of the range LCD TV, for about $5,500. It just so happens that he has a great job, testing mainframe software for the Stocks and Options Market. His basic view was that is how society works, and that is the way it's always worked. You will always get the poor serfs, the mid line financial toadies and the elite rich, that is the way our society is set up. To change it would mean to change the very basis of our society, and who is willing to do that? He was willing to play the system, so why shouldn't he earn fat cash and buy expensive toys? If you're too poor and uneducated to do it as well, bad luck sucker, there's more for those that can. So what are we willing to do about all the shit in the world? Are you willing to stop wining about it, get off your fat arse and do something? Are you willing to forgo all those toys, stop driving that car and start spending more money on 'Fairtrade' foodstuffs? There are very few that are willing to make any sacrifices in this brave new world. Prez Bush may be a fucking idiot, but he's a rich one, as are all his family and pals, and who are the bigger fools? Them, for exploiting the system and taking what they want from it, and living in style, or us for working 10 hour days, taking on massive credit we'll never pay and scrimping to pay our bill and rent? I for one am sick of talking about all the problems in the world. I'm boring the fuck out of myself. I'm also sick about writing about all the problems in the world. Who's going to read it and care? We need action now. We need do-ers, not writers and talkers. The masses don't give a fuck about talkers and writers. Mostly we can all go home, veg out in front of the TV, fuck our partners, pat our kids, eat our food. What need is there for change? Miles [Sheesh. Thanks for bringing me down again. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Ciao Jerky, This is the first reference I have seen to the idea I put to you some time ago that the Penishead will go for a third term. You responded that he couldn't because the Constitution does not allow it. With the current evidence of his deep respect for the Constitution, do you still hold that view? A new Pearl Harbor in August 2008 would give him the excuse, if he has not been impeached or CENSORED by then. And I quote: "Nor did they [the American people] care about the revelation in July 2004 (reported in Newsweek), that for several months the White House and the Department of Justice had been discussing the feasibility of canceling the upcoming presidential election in the event of a possible terrorist attack." From Dark Ages America: The Final Phase of Empire by Morris Berman, as quoted in this Alternet story. Etna Fred [The possibility certainly exists. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; I just want you to know that you got me going with the Isaac Newton/Bernoulli thing from a recent On This Day. I was one of those "geeks" in college who corrected the professor during lessons. This brought back some memories. I luvs ya Jerky bro. Bill [Just looking at all the numbers and figures on that page makes my eyeballs bleed. - Jerky] *** **** *** hey jerky how many orgasms have you faked? SingleM29 [All of them. - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Jerky, You are the linkage master! Keep the "filler" coming, I ain't full yet! Poli [As long as my writer's block doesn't go away, you got it, Bippi! - Jerky] *** **** *** hey jerky i found a treasure map in my underwear SingleM29 [How proud your parents must be. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, I just finished reading this. Why are they moving throughout the country? Another attack coming their way? What do they know that we don't? YOP, Bob [Looks like a political payoff to the most Dubya-loyal state in the Union, to me. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; I am really trying to figure this out for a long time without much joy. Maybe you can help; What is the relationship between Sex, Love and Marriage? I have this gut feeling that they are not related at all but it's women who try to link them together to avoid being called bitches. D. Mudereri [Sex is to love as fire is to heat. It's one way, but not the only way, to get it. Marriage is a vow, nothing else. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com